If this is the first time you have visited my website, welcome! My name is Christine Elaine and this site is where I write about my own experiences with personal growth, ascension, astrology, tarot and more.
The content on this site is based on my personal experiences, observations and intuitive downloads and guidance. It’s not meant to be gospel, medical advice, financial advice or anything besides my own experiences and observations.
If you are an Aries or a fire sign (Leo, Sadge) or have placements in one of these signs, you're probably feeling impatient too. In addition to feeling impatient, I have also had weird physical symptoms. I've been consulting Louise Hay's list of symptoms quite frequently lately.
This past week, I developed what I thought was a zit above my left eye. The left side of our body is the feminine side. It turns out it was probably a stye and a bacterial infection. I don't remember ever having a stye, so this was a new one.
I was curious about this physical symptom and looked up what Louise Hay had to say about styes. It's about not liking what you see, or looking at the the world through angry eyes.
I would be lying if I said I was not frustrated with the lack of external movement right now. Yes, we're in a Venus retrograde. Yes, we're in a Mercury retrograde.
I've also seen more than one astrologer saying that the Saturn Uranus square is still within range, we're still feeling tension between the old pulling us back and the new beckoning us forward.
I usually don't feel very energetic this time of year. As soon as Sadge season is over, it feels to me like I am on hold until the Sun moves into Aries. This has something to do with my own personal astrological cycle and probably because most of my planets are at the bottom half of my chart. I can remember being sick for at least two Christmases as a kid. I hate being cold, although the midwestern weather is a nice reprieve from the relentless Phoenix heat.
I am usually sick with something in Pisces season, as I prepare for my personal new year on March 31, the day the Sun crosses over my Ascendant at 11 Aries.
I know I am not the only person feeling like we are stuck in the vortex right now. It feels like we are intentionally being held in place right now, with March being our date of release. March 20 is when the Sun moves into Aries and it's the start of a new astrological year and the beginning of spring.
Glacia Rain says that we are getting used to a new grid system and learning to manage an unscripted life existence (I am paraphrasing here). She says the old grid was a reversal grid and designed to drain us of energy.
This morning when I was journaling, I pondered the question of why it's taking so long for some aspects of The Great Separation to unfold.
I'm specifically talking about things in my daily existence. I have several new projects that I am working on right now that feel expansive, yet the external reality has not changed in a way that will allow for the 3D expansion of these things.
They are still ideas, skills and things I want to do. For example, I'm taking a beekeeping course through Heroes to Hives. I have nowhere to put a bee hive.
In digging around on these issues, I realized that I still have work to do on letting go of BPD Mom and her issues. This is tough.
BPD Mom has enough money to live a good life, but she insists on sabotaging it. Her childhood trauma is severe, she is so used to manipulating people to get her needs met (instead of just asking for what she wants), and she is an ace at adapting to bad situations. All of these were probably helpful to her as a child stuck in bad situations.
I recognize that same resilience in myself, too. I am fantastic at making it easier to adapt to things I don't like.
Do you recognize yourself in these words?
As the planetary consciousness rises, people are increasingly getting stuck in a web of their own making. Anywhere where we are not in our integrity, we will be exposed. I am no exception. I wonder what kind of pattern is working itself out of my body while I am still here.
It is uncomfortable talking about these things. Shh. Keep our family skeletons in the closet. So and so will be angry with you if you talk about this. Don't complain. Be grateful for what you do have. You're lucky that ____ didn't happen.
Keeping silent is a trauma response. I will not be silent about the trauma. I will also not be a victim, even though the voice running through my head tells me that I sound like one.
So even as BPD Mom has a lot of really nice things, she can't seem to get past her own trauma and programming to move on and into an easier way of getting her needs met. These old behaviors are what is causing conflict between us, because I will no longer tolerate being manipulated or drained of energy.
In spite of everything she has done, she has a pretty soft landing. There is a lot of grace for women right now, because of the return of the Divine Feminine.
BPD Mom is being protected because of the corruption of the men in our family.
Although I believe we each have a responsibility to mitigate our own damages, if you don't know where you have been held back, how can you fix it?
And it's so weird to be so angry with her when the same thing happened to me. This, I believe, is a MAJOR teaching that has come to me through the ancestral work I've been doing during my Pluto opposite Sun transit.
I have consulted the I Ching numerous times about why it is taking so long to separate from her, as in, move into my own home after the financial sabotage by her.
I frequently pull Hexagram 18, Decay, which talks about corruption in the family. In this hexagram, I Ching counsels us to repair the corruption in our families, restore the good name of our father, and that doing so brings honor to us and our family.
I Ching also counsels us to not be so hard on the women in our families. Women are to be dealt with in a gentle manner and with patience. 18.2:
Siu: The man is gentle in dealing with his mother, even when duty bound to oppose her. When restoring what has been spoiled by weakness, gradualness is required. (James DeKorne, scroll down to Line 2 to read the interpretations)
Yi has answered me by saying that it is going to take time to repair the corruption from my ancestral lineage. I also think this actually means that I'm not going to separate entirely from her. I will eventually move into my own home and will probably still be involved in her care, in spite of my own abuse and trauma.
This is my choice, and one of my greatest lessons. Compassion while maintaining boundaries. Right now, I don't know how to set boundaries without being angry that the other person doesn't care or doesn't understand that they are crossing them. They should know better, I think.
And also, I keep wondering WHY AM I STILL HERE? Why is it so hard to move on from this exasperating time?
It seems the answers to this question are:
1. Childhood programming. As Yi says, it takes time when dealing with the feminine. Don't expect things to move very quickly. It is a very yin time overall.
2. I am undoing a lifetime of corruption and generations of ancestral corruption. If you are reading this, you are likely dealing with something similar.
3. At the same time though, the world is going through a massive collective shift on many levels, and even if I/we wanted to go back to the old ways, they don't work anymore.
It going to take more than a few retrograde cycles to undo all the corruption and distortions and other broken systems on this planet.
Understanding what we are supposed to do in the meantime, when things are no longer scripted, means it's up to us to create what we want.
I'm still figuring out how to do this, and to understand the weird juxtaposition between learning all these new things while the external has not shifted to make room for them yet.