As I go through a very deep and personal transformation, it has become obvious to me that it’s time to start telling the story of what is happening to me now, and what has been happening for most of my life.
I feel like I'm all over the place in this post because I don't really know where to start. There's so much going on that is braided together, or tangled, depending on how you look at it.
There are a few things unfolding in my life right now that have set the stage for rapid personal growth. I’m having a Pluto opposite Sun transit, which brings up daily insights and awarenesses about the ancestral trauma and patterns in my family.
I’m also having a Chiron transit in my first house and it’s almost exactly conjunct my Ascendant at 11 Aries. Chiron is an asteroid that shouldn’t be in our solar system, and hopefully one day it rotates its way out. (That's sarcasm, by the way.) It’s hard to sugar coat Chiron transits because they can be emotionally brutal, ripping open old wounds that you thought you had already healed. Surprise!
I’m also deep into the Ascension Process, which is a constant cycle of trigger/awareness/solar flare zaps, then I have to process through sleeping/crying/frustration/sadness as I process it, then there’s an integration phase where I don’t feel like doing anything. Then I get a few days to enjoy the new frequency until I’m zapped or triggered again, and the whole cycle starts all over again.
Finally, I’m also deep in the Embodiment of the Divine Feminine, which can be unbelievably confusing. If not for Denise LeFay’s wise guidance, I would be in the weeds in terms of my understanding of what is happening.
Briefly, the Divine Feminine is coming into balance with the Divine Masculine right now. This will upend a lot of our ideas about what it means to be "feminine."
I mostly find myself REALLY ANGRY about things that happened to me without having been given a choice. There is no putting the cork back into the bottle, either!
I have zero tolerance for being treated badly and am no longer interested in giving people another chance. I have said some horrible things that are totally true and needed to be said, but it's uncomfortable to go against your childhood programming.
I can’t wait for the day when my life is about doing what I want to do instead of processing all of this stuff. Also, processing takes up a lot of time, which makes it a challenge now that things in 3D are reopening. I need to figure out how to earn some money after the pandemic and Pluto destroyed a lot of things in my life.
I have no idea if my legal business is even viable anymore, and Uranus is in Taurus and my 2nd house of earned income, causing unpredictability in terms of making money right now.
As such, I don’t have any idea whether any this new blog will bring in any money. I feel confident that it will lead me somewhere important. Maybe speaking engagements, or a book deal. Regardless, I’m just glad to be getting started on something.
Most people write memoirs after the fact. I don’t really know of any books written by children of BPD parents. I am in the middle of a transition where I have to deal with my BPD Mom on a daily basis right now and basically an all out assault from her with the intent of keeping me stuck here in a dysfunctional cesspool.
However, I am strangely optimistic. The other day, my Higher Self told me to stop feeling like a failure, because this time, the energy is on OUR side. The BPDs and narcs and other nasty people are the ones who are going to run, because they are not supported by the new benevolent energy on the planet.
In short, it is impossible for her to push me off MY highest timeline unless I allow it and even then I doubt it. I think those of us who are deep in the AP are in it and can't be knocked off course.
I feel pretty good that telling the story will lead me out of the trauma space and into being healed and whole.
At the same time, there’s part of me that feels like, “This is awful! Why in the hell would anyone want to read about this?,” or the old "Don't air your dirty laundry in public" narrative, designed to elicit silence when it comes to things people (usually men) don't want to hear.
It’s definitely not an easy topic to write about, and it’s not exactly a positive subject. Still, I know that if I’m struggling with this transition, there are other people who aren’t as far along in their own transformation, but that could use a guide to show the way.
I am pretty sure that I am a way-show-er externally for others as I allow the shift to happen internally. We are becoming embodied masters! In the past, masters didn't stay on the planet when they reached enlightenment -- they left, or ascended.
This is, quite frankly, the ONLY PLACE where I can talk about what happened to me and not be gaslit, manipulated, talked over, not believed, belittled, shamed, judged or criticized or ignored. Additionally, I am in control of this website and there is absolutely nothing anyone in my family can do to make me remove this content.
I suppose they could sue me for defamation, but these are my opinions and I have the right to say what I want. For them to be offended or butt hurt about what I say here is just another attempt to make everything about THEM, which has also been going on forever.
"You're so vain....you probably think this blog is about you..."
I’m doing this because I am healing. This process of healing is happening FOR me. I am not a victim.
That's so interesting to me -- that I've decided to talk about it because of this beautiful yet painful inner process that is happening to me. It feels right!
I want others to know there is a way out of BPD hell and family trauma. I refuse to stay stuck here because it is miserable most of the time.
There is no stopping this transformation, which is really reassuring.
This will be an ongoing series until it feels complete for me. I'm excited to share this in hopes of helping others heal.
I think this is the highest and best use of my Chiron transit -- if he's going to rip open these wounds, I'd like to get as much healing out of it as possible.
Stay tuned for the next post, coming later this week.
I hope this helps you, too.